it doesn't feel right

so me and my boyfriend broke up yeasterday. when i woke up today, i thought it was a dream but when o checked my inbox, it really happened. I kinda hope that he will text me and tell mw he still loves me. I wanna text him but i don't know why i can't do it. I feel hurt but i'm cool with it. Idk what to do. I want to be with him but i miss myself. I'm so afraid. I might not be able to fins somebody as good as him. he is the best guy i met so far. They say you should follow what's in your heart but idk' i think if i would talk to him to fix our relationship, i think it will be messy agon in the future. Im really confused. :(

what i miss

it has been 3 weeks, i guess, since i last saw me boyfriend. currently, i am afced with a difficult task. I ttexted him to vent out my feelings. He kinda discouraged me. I wanted him to encourage me so i replied and vented out my feelings again. He replied and discouraged me. I got so sad os i told him why couldn't he just encourage me. He got so mad, because before, idk why, but i hated it eveeytime he encouraged me. So he thought, according to him, i didn't want to be encouraged which was absolutely untrue. I just waned him to encourage me and tell me that i am good with what i do. I didn't know this would turn out to be a big fight. I told him harsh words and to leave me alon. He didn't reply back which is quite good cause i don't wanna deal with him right now. I suddenly missed being single since we've been togther for 3 years. I went to a club last weekend with a girlfriend and i had so mich fin but i kinda didn't enjoy it as weel. There were lots of guys hitting on me but because i'm in a relationship, i decided not to dance with anybody else aside feom my girl. I kinda feel bad now. I really miss being single. I don't think there's a difference with my life now and thw life of a single girl becaue we seldomlyy text each othwr, yesy, im referring to my boyfriend. as i have mentioned earlier, it has been a while sine i last saw him. Sometmes, i don't really think about him anymore. Im cool with the fact that we can't see each other often now. Im not bothered anymore if he doesn't text me. I want to be single but im afraid to not find a partner agin as i have imagined my life to be with him. Im so confuswd. I want to be single and enjoy life but im afraid to lose him. Oh no, im not really afraid, i just worry my life without a guy. I feel so hurt now because he didn't encourage me. He pushed me away. I hope my feelings will change tomorrow. I wanna continue loving him but im missing being happy and doing crazy thingsthngs.

This is my first tome to write a blog ysing my phone and i couldn't really see what i am typing so i guuess there is a lot of typos. :(

The Late MK

I am suspended for work because of excessive tardiness. Since they do not suspend here, I won't receive any incentives for this month. So I am given a 2-week probation period. The 2nd week has not ended yet, but I already committed 2 tardiness. I hate public transportation here in Manila but I know it is not the one to be blamed. I have nobody else to blame, just me. So now, I cannot concentrate on my work because I am thinking what would they do to me? Will they terminate me? I just wanna go home and stay in my comfy bed. I wanna cry. :'(

What happened to close family ties?

I felt sad when I heard my aunt, who used to be a store manager,will be moving to our province. Since Tubby's dad doesn't want him to grow up in the province, Tubby will stay with her other granma. That is really sad. Tubby will be far away from us now. It would be hard to see him during Christmas and New Year since his other grandma lives in Manila, 6 hours away from our province.

In our house in La Union, we have lotsa children. My uncle, who is a vet has 3 children named, Ashley, Carley and Brittany. They are studying in a school an hour away from our house. 10 steps away from our house is my other uncle's house. He is the city mayor. He has three children too. They are Ashton, Frances and Milo. Every Christmas, New Year and other holidays, our main house is full of laughter and fun.

My vet uncle cannot move yet to their new house near the provincial town because my gran, Queen Elizabeth, has nobody to accompany her in our main house. So I heard when my manager aunt moves into the main house, my vet uncle will move in to their new house too. That means laughter and shouting from children will decrease.

I always enjoy going to our main house. Aside from the fact that I always miss Queen Elizabeth, I really enjoy being with my cousins. One of my cousins is working in Australia at the moment. She'll be back here in October, that's what she says. Imma call her ausie cuz. Ausie cuz is the daughter of manager aunt. That makes ausie cuz, aunt of Tubby. When ausie cuz comes back here, she will stay in our province too for a job is waiting for her there. She has her own vet clinic there for our vet uncle helped her.

There is also a plan that manager aunt's other daughter, and that makes her my other cousin and Tubby's mom, who is working in Canada, will get Tubby to live with her and her husband. I'm not sad about that yet because there isn't certainty about that.

My mom, Princess Diana, mentioned that when she resigns from her work, she'll go to our main house in the province too. I asked her how about me since I don't like living in the province. She told me just to have a condo for myself. I swallowed the shock. Never in my life have I imagined her to leave me. Since she was a single mom, we have been each other's family.

I have another aunt and another uncle. It seems that they don't have plans to go to the province.

I cannot imagine eating in a restaurant on Christmas eve just by myself. I don't know how we will celebrate Christmas now. I feel happy during Christmas. Actually, it is my favorite holiday because our clan celebrates it together. It is 4 months before December and I don't wanna think how my Christmas will go this year.

I'm just so sad now. Growing up as a single child and not meeting my father made me appreciate my family. When I was younger I hate being with my aunts and uncles because I didn't care about anything back then. But now, I want us to be closer. To be together. I don't want us to grow old away from each other.

I suddenly remembered my most favorite cuz. She's my other aunt's daughter. She is our family's angel now. I know wherever I am she is with me. I just like to dream about our childhood days. Spending Christmas together with my family is the best memory I have in my heart.

**Names, places and professions were changed for anonymity's sake.

Be yourself.

5 years ago I felt good being mean. I didn't care if I'd hurt others' feelings. Hey, I was 16. I felt powerful. I was so happy to have things go my way. Everything I asked was given. One request, I got an immediate respond.

Now, I'm 21, turning 22 in a few months. I'm still mean, brat and very impatient. I think I am worse. My wicked ways have worsen. Everything about me is the same except for one. I don't feel good now. When I am mean, I am MEAN and I hate it. I feel terrible when harsh words come out of my mouth or when I do something because anger is eating me alive. I wanna grow old but I think to act my age is more appropriate. I'm not a teenager anymore. I have realized that I'm not a princess. I don't own the world. I need to accept that I cannot control anything nor my feelings can control me. I wanna be wiser and more responsible. I hate it when I shout at people I love. I hate it when I cannot show my appreciation to others. I hate the fact the it's hard for me to say sorry and thanks. I hate me. I wanna be saved from this pitiful life. I wanna be happy, really happy. Happy because I smiled at a stranger. Happy because I said thanks when somebody said I look great today. Happy because I reached out to other people. Happy because I did not curse somebody. Happy because I did not use the F word. Happy because somebody gave their opinion on me. Happy not be the mean me.

I wanna learn how to zip my lips when I am being scolded. I don't wanna fight back. I don't wanna shout back. I don't wanna slam the door. I don't wanna throw whatever my hand reaches. I don't wanna hate people who have done nothing against me just because I woke up late. I don't wanna ruin my day just because I am too irritated for being disturbed while sleeping. I don't wanna avoid somebody just because I don't like her face. I don't wanna laugh at people's mistakes and imperfections. I don't wanna be mad at myself every night because I have hurt somebody. I don't want to hate myself and worse, hate the world. I don't want any of it anymore.

It's hard to change overnight. I have tried it before. I felt good for 2 days. Then after that, I am the mean me again. Cruella is back and even worse.

I'm not proud of what I am now. I always try to be positive but I have so many negatives in me that thinking of people I love doesn't lessen the pain anymore. I hate wishing to be someone else. I hate wishing to die. I hate crying but I hate lying to myself more. I hate pretending to be happy when I am depressed. I hate to laugh when I really want to cry. I hate hating myself.

I'm so sick of looking at my mirror and asking myself why did I become like this.

I hate hurting the people I love. I hate it so much. So much that I hurt myself physically just to let my anger out.

I know why people leave me. I can't love myself, who else can.

They say just be yourself. But how can I be myself if I hurt people I love when I am being me.

I'm an Earth Saver!

Lat Saturday, 03.28.09, a one hour-event happened all over the world. It is the Earth Hour. I was very pleased to be a part of that event. Ang say-saya. Parang nakakatouch talaga when the countdown to 8:30 happened. Everyone was counting 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and the lights were out along ayala ave. makati (Sa Tower One ang program for Makati). May mini program pa while patay ang mga ilaw. May nag sabayang bigkas, choral, band at lalo na ang fire dance. :D Ilang minuto after mamatay ng ilaw, we drove to Global City. While we were on our way, tinignan namin ang mga establishments, building at kung ano-ano na nagcooperate sa event. Siyempre meron paring hindi sumunod. Pero bakit kaya naglights out ang jollibee at ang chowking hindi? eh diba isang company lang yun hehe, pati ba naman yun naisip pa?! PAgdating sa GLobal City nyak nyak nyak mejo sablay. Kung gaano kadilim sa makati, ganun naman kaliwanag sa Global. Pero meron parin namang mga sumunod. Lalo na sa Papa Bear, xempre dun yung program ng taguig eh. Nkakatuwa naman yung mga taong nagparticipate. Kasi talgang willing sila to save mother earth from the dreaded effects of Global WArming. AT tuwang-tuwa din ako kasi nawitness ko yun. :D

SA 1 hour na pagpatay ng ilaw, nakasave ng 200+ trees. Diba very touching. Sana lang tulad ng sinabi ni Ms. Philippines, sana everyday ay earth hour. Edi siguro lalamig na sa Pilipinas ahehehe malay natin diba. :D

At ang pinaka masarap dun, ay ang food c/o Friday's and Hungry Hippo. wehehe jk lang ang pinakamsarap talaga ay yung nakatulong kay inang kalikasan weeh :D

As compared with last year's earth hour, mas successful yung ngayon. Kasi last year parang hindi maxadong aware yung mga tao sa earth hour eh. Ngayon kahi saan may prin ad. Sana next year better pa. At sana madaming pumunta next year, masaya yun promise. Yung thought pa lang to save OUR earth fulfilling na.

I wonder what did the people in other places and countries prepare for the Earth Hour?

When All Else Fails

Nakakatuwa naman. :D Kahit na we didn't win madami paring papuri na sobrang nakakataba ng puso. :D Thank you sa lahat ng mga sumuporta at naniwalang kaya namin. Alam ko sa sarili ko, kung perfect lang sana yung last 2 8 steps may place sana kami. lahat kami nagkamali sa part na yun, oo kahit ako. :D Pero kahit na palpak yung ending ang ganda ganda parin talaga. di lang mapost ang video kasi naman hehe si bang kasi makikilaptop pa. :D pero ang lungkot kapag binigay mo yung best mo tapos sinayaw mo na parang last dance na talga ng buhay mo tapos wala parin. 2 days ko kayang dinamdam yun. little by little ko siyang natanggap nun pinanood ko ng paulit-ulit yung video. at dun ko narealize kung bakit nga kami hindi nanalo. pero kung tutuusin may ibubuga talaga yung routine. 2 choreo ba naman yun eh. basta maganda xa, palpak lang talaga yung dulo pero yung walang muwang sa sayaw di naman nahalata hehe. Tska tama si MEth ng Fusion, hindi kasi dancers yung judges hindi nila alam ang mga techniques na ginawa namin. Solid talga yung 6 steps namin!

Kasama ang aking mahal na kaibigan nag-isip kami ng mga pampalubag-loob:
1. Eh ano kung talo, mabango naman. (Patama sa tooooot)
2. Masama lang kasi ang pakiramdam ni Bang. :D
3. Di kasi pantay-pantay yung flooring kaya ang hirap gumalaw.
4. Ang otro lado ang tunay na bida, natatalo sa simula pero bumabangon parin.
5. Sa grad ball sa amin ang huling halakhak.
6. Wala ngang place, magaganda naman ang face.
7. Di lang kasi inanounce ang 4th place kaya wala kami.
8. AT least, nakita parin ang aming galing at ganda.
9. Niyakap kami ni Ulitin ng mahigpit.
10. Nakakapagod lang talaga yung routine namin madaming steps na magaGANDA.

Eh ano kung dancer ka, OTRO LADO ka ba?! :D