What happened to close family ties?

I felt sad when I heard my aunt, who used to be a store manager,will be moving to our province. Since Tubby's dad doesn't want him to grow up in the province, Tubby will stay with her other granma. That is really sad. Tubby will be far away from us now. It would be hard to see him during Christmas and New Year since his other grandma lives in Manila, 6 hours away from our province.

In our house in La Union, we have lotsa children. My uncle, who is a vet has 3 children named, Ashley, Carley and Brittany. They are studying in a school an hour away from our house. 10 steps away from our house is my other uncle's house. He is the city mayor. He has three children too. They are Ashton, Frances and Milo. Every Christmas, New Year and other holidays, our main house is full of laughter and fun.

My vet uncle cannot move yet to their new house near the provincial town because my gran, Queen Elizabeth, has nobody to accompany her in our main house. So I heard when my manager aunt moves into the main house, my vet uncle will move in to their new house too. That means laughter and shouting from children will decrease.

I always enjoy going to our main house. Aside from the fact that I always miss Queen Elizabeth, I really enjoy being with my cousins. One of my cousins is working in Australia at the moment. She'll be back here in October, that's what she says. Imma call her ausie cuz. Ausie cuz is the daughter of manager aunt. That makes ausie cuz, aunt of Tubby. When ausie cuz comes back here, she will stay in our province too for a job is waiting for her there. She has her own vet clinic there for our vet uncle helped her.

There is also a plan that manager aunt's other daughter, and that makes her my other cousin and Tubby's mom, who is working in Canada, will get Tubby to live with her and her husband. I'm not sad about that yet because there isn't certainty about that.

My mom, Princess Diana, mentioned that when she resigns from her work, she'll go to our main house in the province too. I asked her how about me since I don't like living in the province. She told me just to have a condo for myself. I swallowed the shock. Never in my life have I imagined her to leave me. Since she was a single mom, we have been each other's family.

I have another aunt and another uncle. It seems that they don't have plans to go to the province.

I cannot imagine eating in a restaurant on Christmas eve just by myself. I don't know how we will celebrate Christmas now. I feel happy during Christmas. Actually, it is my favorite holiday because our clan celebrates it together. It is 4 months before December and I don't wanna think how my Christmas will go this year.

I'm just so sad now. Growing up as a single child and not meeting my father made me appreciate my family. When I was younger I hate being with my aunts and uncles because I didn't care about anything back then. But now, I want us to be closer. To be together. I don't want us to grow old away from each other.

I suddenly remembered my most favorite cuz. She's my other aunt's daughter. She is our family's angel now. I know wherever I am she is with me. I just like to dream about our childhood days. Spending Christmas together with my family is the best memory I have in my heart.

**Names, places and professions were changed for anonymity's sake.

Be yourself.

5 years ago I felt good being mean. I didn't care if I'd hurt others' feelings. Hey, I was 16. I felt powerful. I was so happy to have things go my way. Everything I asked was given. One request, I got an immediate respond.

Now, I'm 21, turning 22 in a few months. I'm still mean, brat and very impatient. I think I am worse. My wicked ways have worsen. Everything about me is the same except for one. I don't feel good now. When I am mean, I am MEAN and I hate it. I feel terrible when harsh words come out of my mouth or when I do something because anger is eating me alive. I wanna grow old but I think to act my age is more appropriate. I'm not a teenager anymore. I have realized that I'm not a princess. I don't own the world. I need to accept that I cannot control anything nor my feelings can control me. I wanna be wiser and more responsible. I hate it when I shout at people I love. I hate it when I cannot show my appreciation to others. I hate the fact the it's hard for me to say sorry and thanks. I hate me. I wanna be saved from this pitiful life. I wanna be happy, really happy. Happy because I smiled at a stranger. Happy because I said thanks when somebody said I look great today. Happy because I reached out to other people. Happy because I did not curse somebody. Happy because I did not use the F word. Happy because somebody gave their opinion on me. Happy not be the mean me.

I wanna learn how to zip my lips when I am being scolded. I don't wanna fight back. I don't wanna shout back. I don't wanna slam the door. I don't wanna throw whatever my hand reaches. I don't wanna hate people who have done nothing against me just because I woke up late. I don't wanna ruin my day just because I am too irritated for being disturbed while sleeping. I don't wanna avoid somebody just because I don't like her face. I don't wanna laugh at people's mistakes and imperfections. I don't wanna be mad at myself every night because I have hurt somebody. I don't want to hate myself and worse, hate the world. I don't want any of it anymore.

It's hard to change overnight. I have tried it before. I felt good for 2 days. Then after that, I am the mean me again. Cruella is back and even worse.

I'm not proud of what I am now. I always try to be positive but I have so many negatives in me that thinking of people I love doesn't lessen the pain anymore. I hate wishing to be someone else. I hate wishing to die. I hate crying but I hate lying to myself more. I hate pretending to be happy when I am depressed. I hate to laugh when I really want to cry. I hate hating myself.

I'm so sick of looking at my mirror and asking myself why did I become like this.

I hate hurting the people I love. I hate it so much. So much that I hurt myself physically just to let my anger out.

I know why people leave me. I can't love myself, who else can.

They say just be yourself. But how can I be myself if I hurt people I love when I am being me.