Be yourself.

5 years ago I felt good being mean. I didn't care if I'd hurt others' feelings. Hey, I was 16. I felt powerful. I was so happy to have things go my way. Everything I asked was given. One request, I got an immediate respond.

Now, I'm 21, turning 22 in a few months. I'm still mean, brat and very impatient. I think I am worse. My wicked ways have worsen. Everything about me is the same except for one. I don't feel good now. When I am mean, I am MEAN and I hate it. I feel terrible when harsh words come out of my mouth or when I do something because anger is eating me alive. I wanna grow old but I think to act my age is more appropriate. I'm not a teenager anymore. I have realized that I'm not a princess. I don't own the world. I need to accept that I cannot control anything nor my feelings can control me. I wanna be wiser and more responsible. I hate it when I shout at people I love. I hate it when I cannot show my appreciation to others. I hate the fact the it's hard for me to say sorry and thanks. I hate me. I wanna be saved from this pitiful life. I wanna be happy, really happy. Happy because I smiled at a stranger. Happy because I said thanks when somebody said I look great today. Happy because I reached out to other people. Happy because I did not curse somebody. Happy because I did not use the F word. Happy because somebody gave their opinion on me. Happy not be the mean me.

I wanna learn how to zip my lips when I am being scolded. I don't wanna fight back. I don't wanna shout back. I don't wanna slam the door. I don't wanna throw whatever my hand reaches. I don't wanna hate people who have done nothing against me just because I woke up late. I don't wanna ruin my day just because I am too irritated for being disturbed while sleeping. I don't wanna avoid somebody just because I don't like her face. I don't wanna laugh at people's mistakes and imperfections. I don't wanna be mad at myself every night because I have hurt somebody. I don't want to hate myself and worse, hate the world. I don't want any of it anymore.

It's hard to change overnight. I have tried it before. I felt good for 2 days. Then after that, I am the mean me again. Cruella is back and even worse.

I'm not proud of what I am now. I always try to be positive but I have so many negatives in me that thinking of people I love doesn't lessen the pain anymore. I hate wishing to be someone else. I hate wishing to die. I hate crying but I hate lying to myself more. I hate pretending to be happy when I am depressed. I hate to laugh when I really want to cry. I hate hating myself.

I'm so sick of looking at my mirror and asking myself why did I become like this.

I hate hurting the people I love. I hate it so much. So much that I hurt myself physically just to let my anger out.

I know why people leave me. I can't love myself, who else can.

They say just be yourself. But how can I be myself if I hurt people I love when I am being me.